To my right is a floral scarf. A scarf handed to me by a woman. A woman with a war-torn past, covered in shame and scars. While shame still reminds her that she is unworthy, she is beginning to bravely face her past secrets and haunting memories. This woman is discovering what the truth reveals to her: freedom.
Last night at a youth event, my team and I were asked to prepare songs and testimonies. Minutes before my turn I felt Holy Spirit ask me to share a different part of my story.
When I was 16 I had an eating disorder. That season in my life was shortly after my salvation and was very challenging. When I met the Lord He gave me unexplainable joy and people noticed. In the process I was learning that my identity was found in Him. Yet, I battled wanting to fit in, while simultaneously and most importantly, I wanted the people around me to see the joy the Lord had given me. I thought that meant I couldn’t be okay and that struggling was bad. I thought sharing my struggles tainted the work the Father was doing in my life. Anytime I struggled I hid and forced myself to be happy. I didn’t talk about my struggles. I didn’t share that I felt unworthy and alone. I found myself seeking attention from men and seeking my affirmation from people. While sometimes that worked, there had also been negative things spoken over me. Some were just words echoing from my past. I believed the lie I wasn’t beautiful and thin enough and that’s how my eating disorder began. That season created chains of shame in my heart and I never voiced it.
I shared how I was miraculously healed from that, but the main point Holy Spirit wanted to get across was something He taught me later. It’s okay to not be okay. Really, it’s okay. You shouldn’t be ashamed and silent about your feelings. You don’t have to cover this up. He taught me that I shouldn’t be ashamed of sharing this story.
When I finished sharing my testimony and the night ended, that is when I met the woman with the scarf. I had shared from a place that has been healed and it created room for her to share from a place of brokenness (vulnerability creates vulnerability). This woman has walked through her own hell-ish journey and pain. She bravely told me she related to my story and is new to knowing Jesus. She had felt Holy Spirit ministering to her heart while listening and wanted to share her story with me. Even though she still felt much shame from her past sins and struggles, she took the risk and beautifully opened her heart. At the end she handed me a scarf and asked me to pray for her to be brave every time I wore it. She wants to be a missionary and said one day she will meet me again in the states and I will be able to hand her scarf back to her. I give all glory to my King Jesus. He allowed me to encourage and pray over her with a few of my teammates. Tears of healing and joy flooded her and in the end she rejoiced at the divine encounter the Lord had created.
The woman with scarf is such a cool God moment and she is the inspiration behind this blog. She is also a great example of how shame and pretending everything is okay is false. So am I. It’s so easy to hide and pretend. Why should we be “okay” with the death of someone we love? Why should we be “okay” that our friend is addicted to drugs? Why should you be “okay” with what happened that night when you were a child? Why was I “okay” that I was starving myself? Why do we cover our pain with saying, I’m okay and everything is fine? Denying what we feel and letting shame strangle us is not a fun life. Silence chains the left hand while shame chains the right. Shame loves to wrestle with the past. Hide the bad and shove it under the rug. Out of sight and out of mind. I won’t share this and I will not be rejected. Put on a smile and they will never know. If our hearts are smothered in pain and barley breathing why is that okay? This is beyond being positive. I found healing power in sharing my story, because ultimately sharing your story releases shame. What happened to you was a very real thing. The mistakes you made happened…. BUT, praise God that we don’t have to be stuck in the not okay. Shame is not the final word. Brokenness is not bad and neither does it make you bad. Jesus has something to say about our brokenness and shame (that actually might shock you). The biggest reason someone does not share their story or pain is because they feel ashamed.
Truly I tell you that your story matters. Shame is a wicked deception that says your story is not worth sharing and that you’re too much or not enough. Shame says that you “deserved” whatever happened to you. Shame says that you deserve to bear the consequences and that you must be silent. It says what you did is unforgivable. It deceives us into believing that the beauty with in us is soiled. It says you are too far gone. Yet the good news is, shame does not have a final say. I look at my Savior in awe because of that. He was so deeply moved by compassion for this fallen world that He took our crown of shame and sin and crowned us in beauty. Let’s be honest for a second. This world is fallen and sin reeks all over it. The sin of others has vandalized our hearts and our sin has vandalized others too… BUT PRAISE GOD BECAUSE He gruesomely bled on a cross, not only for our sin and to reveal to us the Father’s heart, but He bared our shame with it. Our Heavenly Father has something to say about what has happened to you. He has something to say about what we have done. Don’t be afraid to ask. Just know that you are forgiven and He loves the heck out of you. Don’t worry, because Jesus also bled for the shameful thoughts that constantly plague us too.
“There is a sure way for us to know that we belong to the truth. Even though our inner thoughts may condemn us with storms of guilt and constant reminders of our failures, we can know in our hearts that in His presence God Himself is greater than any accusation. He Knows all things.” 1 John 3:19-20.
Beloved, rest in the presence of our savior who sees you as whole and clean.
As I mentioned earlier, there is a supernatural freeing thing about sharing your story with someone who will honor it. I must emphasize the honor part, because your heart does deserve to be honored and so does your story. Sharing your story is a great first step towards Inner healing. Inner healing is a very real thing and our bleeding wounds cry out for it. Only a gracious Heavenly Father can bind those lies and heal the seeping infected wounds from our past and present. Perhaps wounds from another person, a circumstance, or even ourselves. He doesn’t remind us of those things to bring pain to us again, but for us to acknowledge and to be aware of them so we can receive His healing touch and truth. Healing is not easy and not necessarily pretty, but beauty will come out of it.
Yes, He will turn what the enemy meant for evil into good. He turns our ashes into beauty and clothes us in a robe of righteousness (Isaiah 61:3).
If this blog resonated with you at all and you find yourself wanting to share your story with someone, but do not have a safe place to do so, please feel free to message me and I would love to hear your heart. I will cherish and honor it with everything good Jesus had placed in me. Or if you have walked through the power of sharing your story and healing, ask Holy Spirit who you can offer your ear and shoulder to. Who you can be boldly praying for.
Please remember we do not understand one another’s story, because we have not walked in their shoes. We may relate to their stories, but remember to create a place for them to actually be heard and to actively listen. You don’t have to have an answer or profound advice, but the sentence “Thank you for sharing” does enough. Listen and pray with them. Don’t be afraid to cry with them, for Roman’s 12:15 says, “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.”
Lastly, sharing a story takes risk and vulnerability. Honor that and cherish the hearts around you. Allow them to pass off their “scarf” and pray for them daily.
Thank you Jesus for turning our ashes into beauty. Thank you for freedom.
“Then the time came when the risk it took to remain tight in a bud was more painful then the risk it took to blossom.” -Anais Nin
Love you all,
Maia
Wow Maia! What an incredible blog!! You have certainly inspired me to be more open and vulnerable. Thank you for your inspiring and profound words!
This is absolutely beautiful and reflects the heart of Christ so profoundly! Thank you Maia!
Your blog was beautifully transparent Maia! Thank you for sharing your innermost thoughts. Galatians 5:1 So stand strong for our freedom! The Anointed One freed us so we wouldn’t spend one more day under the yoke of slavery, trapped under the law. (Voice Translation) Keep preaching the good news & have a blast setting others free too! Love you!
Sharing that “It’s okay to not be okay” is powerful. Allowing God to lead us in what we are going to share can have a profound impact. He know’s the audience. I was lead to share my story of physical abuse by my father with a group on men. One of the young men in the group shared that my story was his story and that he had gone to the same church I had about 12 years earlier. He said he felt relief in knowing that he wasn’t the only one to go through that kind of suffering. Continue to share while asking God for guidance.
What an encouraging blog. So true! Shame and guilt chain us down, but God did carry that to the cross and left it there. “He loves the heck out of you” struck me in probably different way than you meant – i thought of how God loves us so much that it squeezes hell out of us (evil and wrong doing).